How do you know that if what you feel for someone is real? What about the way you think they feel about you. Can you trust your own instincts? Maybe it's just me. I want to beleive in love and I want to experience it. I think maybe I cling to someone who is nice to me in the hope that he will love me.

Is he just being nice or does he maybe think of me in a way that I wish he would? Whoever is privlaged enough to be able to read this is probably wondering what I am talking about. I like someone. I like them as a friend but I can see us being something more. I never saw that until someone pointed it out to me. We have everything in common and would be perfect for each other. Before we would see each other all the time but we would never really talk. Now we hardly see each other and we talk quite a bit. That probably sounds weird.

He has given me an opening only I don't know if it is an opening as friends or more. He put the ball in my court and it's diflating rapidly. I can't go into detail on what he said to me. He told me if I wanted to do something that we had planned to do then I should call him or whatever... I just don't know if he wants it as a group of friends or just us. The last time I mentioned us hanging out alone together he kinda freaked. That was a while ago so I don't really know.

I just wish I knew what to do. I don't want my window to close but I am not quite ready to go through it and fall. It seems like everytime I take a risk I get burned. I don't know if I can handle that anymore. Everytime I try to distance myself so I can heal from whatever pain I have someone gets to close and I begin to open up again.

Should I take a chance and risk getting hurt or should I protect my heart but miss out on something great?

You notice me
And take my hand
So why are we
In strangers' land
And love is strong
Why carry on without me

I make believe that you are here
It's the only way that I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy

Oh, at night I pray
That soon your face will fade away

And every time I try to fly I fall
Without my wings I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And every time I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby

After all

current mood: confused

I am sick and tired of people pretending to be my FRIEND and then laughing at me behind my back, or even worse right at my face and not letting me in on the joke. Some people are just plain mean! Yes I know I can be a real bitch sometimes and mean but it doesn't compare. Some people are 2 faced! I always show my true colors and I never hide anything. If someone suspects that I have said anything about them all they have to do is ask and I will flat out tell them. I don't lie to people especially if I consider them a FRIEND. I don't say something about someone behind their back and then hang out with them the next day. I don't ditch people and I don't stop hanging out with someone that I once said was "a really good FRIEND" because of something so stupid. When I say someone is my FRIEND I mean just that.

Someone that I considered a good FRIEND is willing to hang out with someone that they said was annoying but is not even willing to talk to me and for what...? Yeah I let my feelings get the best of me but I am only human. You once said that it wouldn't come between our FRIENDship yet it has.

I can play this "lets be rude to each other in fun" game. Hell that's all we ever do is pick on each other and it used to be fun. We used to have so much with each other with our stupid jokes and shit like that. Now when I try to talk to you and tell you that it's only a joke you act like I don't exist. Hell you act like that all the time. I think this entire thing is funny because you say you want us to be FRIENDs. You say that I matter but I don't. I bet if you were to see me in a public place you wouldn't even say hi to me. You would probably look at me and walk away. I'm tired of even trying to pretend. You don't care so I guess I don't care.

Everything is in a whirlwind of confusion. Work, friends, guys...  Everything. I don't know what to do or how to be anymore. There was a time in my life when I knew everything. Not "everything", but everything for myself. I'm lost.
Last night I felt incredibly suicidal. I started thinking about 2 years ago. I was in a bad place then. I remember lying on my bed, crying my eyes out with a bottle of pills. It was the only out. I feel myself heading towards that place again. No matter how hard I try to fight it, it feels inevitable.
I feel like I am being consumed with hatred. I read something last night and even though I should not have had any feelings towards it because it was nothing to me, I found myself really pissed off. I started to write an entry in my other journal. It was so mean. I guarantee that several people would have stopped talking to me on account of that journal. That's my destructiveness. Not of anything corporeal. My friendships. I always destroy my friendships. I don't know why. Anyway I tried posting it but lj crapped out on me. It's probably for the best.
"So maybe tomorrow I'll find my way home..."
Something to bring hope.
I have been listening to Thursday a lot lately. The song "War All the Time" is what I was listening to last night. When I listen to that I imagine falling. Physically falling from the highest point you can possible fall with out a net to catch you. Can you imagine what it would be like to get into a plane, go as high as nature will allow and just fall? Not jump, fall. It brings freedom. Non-constricted. For a single moment you can be free. Away from it all. They say your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. What would you see at that moment? The wind surrounding you, empty space for miles. Touching a cloud. Would the like that you see be a happy one or not? If it's not a happy one what would it be like to fall? For me I believe that would be the happiest moment of my life. I know that I would die soon, there would be no going back. I would savor that moment. Hold onto it for as long as I possibly could. My death would be a horror for everyone else. To them I would be a body that is unrecognizable because of the impact to the ground. Blood and guts. The sound of breaking bones for anyone who is near enough to hear it. I have never seen what that does to a body so I can not describe that. People would cry, some of them would get sick at the thought of it. Everyone would say, "what was she thinking?" No one would ever know the truth. They would never know what I was feeling or thinking just before I died. To them it would be a horrible way to die. A "sin". To me, it's comfort. At that moment when I am falling, nothing can touch me. Nothing can hurt me, emotionally. It would give me the emotional release that I need before I die. I don't want to die bitter. I want to die free. I want to die happy. I don't think I would even scream or cry. I would smile. Die with a smile. How many people get to do that? I am beginning to sound suicidal again and I am starting to cry at the thought of this. I'm not crying at the thought of death, I'm crying over what it would mean to me.
I'm not ready to die. I promised myself that I would not die until my name is known. There is that guy from a little town in Idaho who died. Do you know his name? I don't. There are tons of guys in that same town who have died. Once they die and once anyone who knew of them dies, the memory of them dies too. It's as if they have never existed. There is no memory, no documentation that means a damn. If Lincoln had never been president, if there was never any documents proving he existed, would he have really existed? We today wouldn't even know his name so we not even care. There is no knowledge of so many people so we continue on with our lives ignorant. So many people and we know nothing. I don't want that to happen to me. I need my name to be known for something. I want to be a great writer. My family thinks I am full of shit but I will publish my book and 200 years from now people will still read it. I would have existed for all time. Not a single person would remember me personally but they would remember that there was a girl, who came from a broken family and it tore her apart. I want people to know what things were really like at this time. I don't want an "Account" of the way things were. I want people to read my book and be able to feel exactly what I am feeling. I want them to cry and laugh and scream the same way I do when I write. I want them to know so many things from this time. The music, the movies, the people... anything that impacts someone's life. I want so many things but there is never enough time. Not for me anyway. A person knows when it is there time to go. When that time comes I will know and will die surrounded by air. For all I know I could die some other way. I don't want to death to take my image of falling away from me. That's how I want to die. During the process it would be beautiful. For me it would remain beautiful.

Standing on the edge of the palisades' cliffs In the shadow of the skyline it seemed very far away
like a lightning rod that couldn't pull the storm from me - When I was 5 years old, my best friend's older brother died. He fell from these cliffs and the river washed him away, the current pulled him downstream and our lives float in the headlines. So we park these cars in our Parents' garage to listen to the lullaby Of Carbon Monoxide: War all of the time in the shadow of the New York skyline. We grew up too fast now we're falling like the ashes of American flags. If The sun doesn't rise We'll replaced it with an H-bomb explosion, A painted jail cell of light in the sky like Three-Mile-Island Nightmares on TVs that sing us to sleep. They burn on and on like an oil field Or a memory of what it felt like To burn on and on and not just fade away. All those nights in the basement the kids are still screaming, "On and on and on and on........." and we're blowing in the wind. We don't know where to land so we kiss like little kids- we used to be very tall buildings but we've been falling for so long. Now your eyes are a sign on the edge of town, they offer a welcome, when you are leaving. When the pieces fall it's like a last-day parade and the fires in our streets starts to rage so wave to those people who long to wave back from the fabric of a flag that sang love all of the time.
 

current mood: sad

Okay so today things were better. i set my alarm to go off at 1045 even though i could sleep in. i am trying to set my sleep schedule so that when i start my mid-mester class it will be easier.

i watched a little tv, cleaned the tub while during commercials, and cooked myself some breakfast and lunch. i took a nice long bath and made myself all pretty. i figure the best way to make myself feel better is to make myself look better. i did feel better too.

i had to go to an employee meeting at 6pm. after that i went to Ram's Horn with Katie B and Paul. we decided not to stay there so we went to Steak N' Shake. i love the food there. it's not as expensive as it used to be. it used to suck because they would change their preices all the time. i hated that. Me and Katie talked a lot about movies and actors, we kinda annoyed Paul by that, but it's cool.

I'm really tired now...

current mood: tired